Baffled

People confuse me. Not a specific person, people in general. Everybody. Why does people have to be so confusing? Some people take kindness for granted. Some are kind to people who do not deserve it. Some people treat you like they want to be treated. Some treat you like crap and expects to be respected. How can people think they way they do?

It is like trying to understand how an animal thinks. We 're always trying to personalize things. As children, we wrote, 'Saya sebatang pencil. I am a pencil. Pemilik saya merupakan seorange pelajar darjah tiga. That's me!' as if they were creatures. We learnt about the ingenious sang kancil and his adventures. Then, we were gradually brought up to understand that they are mammals. birds. fish. reptiles. annelids. kingdom. phylum. class. order. family. genus. species. stuff. 

Animals are not easy to understand. My cat left me a dead rat by the side of my shoes, for the first time since we moved to our new house on the first day of my PMR examination. My neighbor's dog stares solemnly as his tail wagged violently in anticipation of the next meal. A stray cat would sit by the window of the roof when I had to stay up late on some nights, my silent company. A bat would fly into my old house, does it's nightly rounds, and fly out. My two cats would shift out of the house when there's a visitor, only to come back once the visitors are gone. My laptop would- nevermind.

Sometimes I wonder if people are impossible to understand. I judge people based on how they treat others. It is unfair, but it will have to do until I find a better way to understand people.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm doing the right thing. Suiying's right, I feel guilty about not cheating. It makes me feel like a horrible person. I am not one of you. I don't want to be one of you. Why can't I be one of you? Does that make any sense? How can I feel guilty about doing the right thing?! because I'm not sure if it's the right thing to do anymore. This extra edge, isn't it the same as doing research? You go out into the world and find a job. In order to obtain the job, you look for information online, ask other interviewees, do your research. Is that considered cheating? No. How about asking people who have already taken the interviews what questions were asked? Again, I believe the answer is no. Then, what is so different with asking people who have already taken the test. It's immoral. It's unfair. It's cheating. But isn't everything we're doing now, to prepare us for the world? And if the world works this way, what's fair? The world is not. Reasonings. Excuses. I still can't cheat. I may feel guilty about not cheating. But if I do cheat, I'd probably feel like a failure. Either way, I already am one. Only difference is, my stupid conscience would never let me live it down. ah. There's a word. Stupid. Amy, you idiot.

Though, it's nice to know I'm not alone. all you honest idiots (and crazy hardworking geniuses) out there, I'm bloody rooting for you!